Is it really a communication problem?
Oftentimes people think they're coming to counseling to improve their communication and I usually tell them that although healthy communication is required for a healthy relationship, it’s not usually communication tips or skills that will help their relationship. If it was, they could just learn communication tips by reading a book or searching “communication skills” online (which I’m all for, by the way). Don't get me wrong, it is very helpful to be in counseling and have a therapist point out ways that you could speak differently to each other. There is some know-how that goes into it and practice that needs to be done, however, in therapy there is also the possibility to go deeper to the root cause of why communication is the way it is in the first place. Many times, the problem isn't as much as what is said, but how it's said. Let's go a step further; the problem is not even as much how it is said but what makes a person have that tone or say it in that way in the first place.
Communication problems go deeper than just words and tips
If there is tension between two people and one or both partners respond badly, either by ignoring, passive aggressiveness, defensiveness, or arguing, they would benefit from working on how to communicate in a healthy manner instead. However, it’s not so easy, because even with all of the knowledge of how to communicate well, it can be hard to talk to someone who you feel hurt by or not listened to. If you haven't had success at communicating before statistically, you would be nervous to try to communicate again. It gets very complex at times, depending on what kinds of things are said, or maybe there's even ignoring which might bring up abandonment issues from childhood. When feelings come into play it's not just about communication tips anymore.
When we are dealing with things like hurt wounds from childhood, past relationships, or the current relationship and it historically doesn’t go well, it’s easier to stuff it, explode, or be passive aggressive in hopes that the other person will understand what we aren’t comfortable or mature enough (yet) to say to them. Then there are habits. The brain remembers how things usually go and it knows what path to take as it’s been trained, so the same fight becomes the same fight.
In learning communication skills, we can teach you to hear each other. We can help you to see what we observe with both of your body language as you engage with each other. Both verbal and body language are very powerful and it’s somewhat of a starting place to see what’s really happening inside on a deeper level. We can help you identify if you are shut off from your partner or even from your own emotions and look at why, so that you can begin to truly heal from that so that the foundation will be laid for good communication. Once a good foundation has been laid, then a couple can actually use good communication skills to actually communicate in a way their partner can hear them and when the path is also paved for the partner whose job it is to listen, now with an open heart, the listener will be able to now hear more clearly.
Communication is also a symptom
Yes, it’s important to learn good communication skills but I see communication also as a symptom and a path to past hurts that need to heal. Therapy is not easy and relationships are not easy but if the two of you are willing to do this together, the act of knowing that the both of you are trying often is enough and all the other person really needs. There are going to be a very large number of things that you will not ultimately agree on but if the two of you can show that you care enough for the other person and work together, if your demeanor is open, soft, and understanding, you can go quite a long way. Openness, willingness to hear, and a willingness to do the work, come before communication.
Each couple is different and we work in a customized way with each couple. If you want to learn more about what counseling would be like with us, don’t hesitate to reach out with any questions here. We are honored and happy to help!
If abuse is involved, then there is so much more at play here. If you think you may be in a relationship where there is abuse, read my blog Is it normal fighting, or is this abuse?