Praising our children has all sorts of benefits.  A child who receives praise is more likely to praise others, praise increases self-esteem and motivation, and can change the parent's and child's view of the child.  Can we praise too much? Can we praise in the "wrong" way? Surprisingly, there are some things you might want to watch out for.  I'd like to give you some practical rules to help you make the most out of praising your child.

Are you the proud parent of a young adult graduating from high school or college? This is a big step in your child’s life, especially with all of today’s pressures and challenges. Is your graduate ready for adulthood? Are you confident that your child will make wise decisions for their future? 

The teen years can be exciting times to learn, explore, and grow, but they can also be a tough time of life. Teens experience rapid changes physically, socially, intellectually, and emotionally. Hormones and peers are running wild and there are so many different influences in our children’s lives, that even though it can seem like our teens are more interested in friends right now, they also need strong, loving parental involvement.  

In my practice I see couples who have ranges of argument styles.  Many couples who first come to see me for counseling tell me that they use yelling matches, name-calling, and put-downs as their main form of communication in an argument.  Other couples are disconnected, shut off, and do not connect with each other. 

There are several tips that are helpful to keep in mind when having a sensitive discussion with one’s spouse.  It is important that both parties are in agreement on a good time to talk, both are well rested, and both partners are not overly stressed or angry.   Using the “D” word (divorce) when angry, arguing in front of the children, and only looking at your spouse’s flaws are no-no’s when arguing.  Today I want to focus on staying on topic in arguments.

It can be difficult to rebuild trust in a relationship when trust has been broken, but it is possible.  Often times it can even be possible to get to a much better place in the relationship than before the trust was broken.  Many times it takes something big to happen in a couple’s relationship to motivate them to do the work needed to have a healthy, fulfilling relationship.  Often times infidelity, a separation, or a discovered secret ends up being a sort of “wake up call” and motivation to nurture a relationship.  Many times couples who have successfully worked through something such as infidelity say that they are happier than they had ever been in their relationship and although they wish the infidelity never happened, they may never had taken their relationship so seriously in order to do the hard work to get to the new place. 

I am by no means recommending that you have an affair to spice up your relationship, but I am saying that there is hope for reconciliation if trust has been broken in your relationship. 

I often hear complaints about bringing up the past.

Arguments can be challenging in any relationship, but they can become even more contentious when the past is brought up. I am always sensitive to both parties: the one who has to hear about the past (“here we go again”) and the person who feels it is unresolved, either within themselves or in the relationship.

I’ve heard from clients more than a couple of times that, while they wouldn’t wish an affair on anyone, they ended up feeling grateful for the experience. The affair pushed them to a place where they were ready to do the hard work and learn about themselves and their partner in a deeper way than they ever would have otherwise. For those who truly come out the other end having done the work, they are stronger, more connected, and often more sure of their relationship than ever before.

There’s a saying, “It takes two to tango,” implying that both partners in a relationship are equally responsible for any problems. While this may be true in some cases, it’s not true in all. Why question the 50/50 idea of fault in a relationship? Because it can be detrimental to certain people.

Have you found yourself moving from relationship to relationship, struggling to settle down? Or perhaps you’ve had a few long-term relationships but feel like you’re picking the wrong partners? Maybe you’ve been in a long-term relationship and realized you haven’t been happy for years. If I asked you to rate your relationship satisfaction, would you score above a 6 or 7? There are many factors that can contribute to feeling like your relationships aren’t going well, but one significant factor that can address many smaller issues is the act of being present. Although it’s just one concept, it can be easier said than done.

Your wife is angry at you and you have no idea why.  If you are like most men, your spouse’s angry mood sparks in you feelings of tenseness, nervousness, irritation, confusion, and importantly, oftentimes shame.  If what you have been doing in response to your wife’s anger is not working it is time to respond differently.

Couples will have disagreements from time to time. It's a normal part of being in a relationship. Could it be possible that two people think the same way about everything? Statistically, that would be a very slim chance.  What are some signs that the arguing is crossing the line into abuse? Here is a list of examples:

Now that you're here, we'll dive into the unhealthy vs. healthy ways of coping and understand that there is a wide spectrum of ways to do it. One valuable tool in our coping arsenal is the creation of a coping skills list. This comprehensive list is designed to remind us how to avoid snowballing into an unhealthy direction so that over time, our brains can automatically cope in healthy ways.

I was looking through some papers I wrote in grad school over 20 years ago. I ran across a paper on Seasonal affective disorder, better known in the DSM- V-TR as Major depression with seasonal pattern or S.A.D. I must have picked that topic to study since I was from Massachusetts and like so many of us that moved to Phoenix, I never liked the winters there. Like so many therapists going through grad school, we often end up wondering if we fit into certain diagnosis when we are learning about them….

Oftentimes people think they're coming to counseling to improve their communication and I usually tell them that although healthy communication is required for a healthy relationship, it’s not usually communication tips or skills that will help their relationship. If it was, they could just learn communication tips by reading a book or searching “communication skills” online (which I’m all for, by the way)….