"You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending." -C.S. Lewis

Recommended Books

Happiness:

  • Happier by Tal Ben-Shahar - Tal Ben-Shahar's course on positive psychology, often referred to as "Happiness 101," became the most popular class at Harvard University. The main thing I took away was one can’t be happy without 3 things:

    1. strong, meaningful relationships

    2. purpose and meaning-this is where being in alignment with your values comes into play

    3. engagement- bbing fully absorbed and involved in activities, experiencing a state of flow.

  • Happiness (A Guide to Developing Life’s Most Important Skill: Happiness) by Matthieu Ricard

  • Igniting Faith In 40 Days: The Power of Hope, Declarations, and Negativity Fasts by Steve and Wendy Backlund *

    - It’s sort of like a 40 days challenge. It’s not that you can’t be negative at all in those days, if something is truthfully negative but it has it’s way of cultivating hope that canlead to positive changes in various aspects of your life.

Codepency and Shame:

  • Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself By Melody Beattie

    -A favorite life changing, ever so popular book. Melody defines, breaks down co-dependency and looks at origins, and how to break free from codependency. This book is life changing for many.

  • Beyond Codependency: And Getting Better All the Time by Melody Beattie

    -If you already read “Codepenence No More” this is the next book in line. Another great eye opening book.

  • Codependent No More series by Andrei Nedelcu

  • Facing Love Addiction: Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love by Pia Mellody

    -Love addiction and avoidance isn’t talked about much, nor are they well known ideas. In this book Pia Mellody, a renowned expert on codependency and addiction, provides insights and strategies for individuals who struggle with unhealthy patterns in their romantic relationships. In danger of risking you missing some great points, in brief, love addicts have certain characteristics such as tending to depend on their romantic partner for self worth, validation and a sense of identity while having a deep fear of abandonment while love avoidants tend to have a fear of intimacy and control issues. Mellody is comprehensive in her books, providing a guide to understanding and overcoming these dysfunctional relationship patterns. If you meet any of these characteristics you may be underlining quite a lot in this book.

  • Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You by Darlene Lancer

  • I Thought It was Just Me: Women Reclaiming Power and Courage in a Culture of Shame by Brene Brown, PhD

Relationships:

  • Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend *

    -This book is an awesome book on boundaries, especially for Christians. I would say this book is heavy in Christian ideas, so if you have a Christian background you are trying to make sense of how it may have affected your boundaries (or lack of boundaries) or if you are a Christian this book is phenomenal and on my list of top loved books. It shows how even Jesus had boundaries like when he said “no” to the crowd who wanted him to teach them and got on the boat to be alone with his Father and other examples such as that. Some of us just think of the verses in the Bible that say “turn the other cheek” or to give up your coat for one in need, but it’s not that cut and dry and this book can help shed some light on what is means to have boundaries and practical tips on how to set and enforce boundaries.

  • The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert by John Gottman, PhD

  • The Marriage You’ve Always Dreamed Of by Dr. Gary Smalley *

  • The DNA of Relationships by Dr. Gary Smalley *

  • The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman*

    -I can only remember ONE client who did not like this book and that particular client used to look at their watch and when session ended they would abruptly walk about of the session and leave her husband with me in the session saying we could talk if we wanted to be she was done talking. She had no interest on working on the marriage, so hence she had no interest in the book. Some clients feel as if it moved them along quite a ways and things clicked for them, so that their efforts of doing things for their partner weren’t wasted and they were moreso “hitting the target” and their efforts mattered more and meant more to their partner since they now were able to understand why it’s important to “speak to” their partner’s love language and now they knew what their love language is. This book isn’t used with all of my couple clients, but it often comes into play and most find it truly meaningful and helpful.

  • Fortified Marriages, Marriage Manual & Workbook by Chris Garner *

  • Love Must Be Tough by Dr. James Dobson *

  • How to Get Your Husband to Listen to You by Nancy Cobb and Connie Grigsby

  • Motivating Your Man God’s Way by Dr. Emerson & Sarah Eggerichs *

  • Rescue Your Love Life by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend *

  • Sex Begins in the Kitchen by Dr. Kevin Leman *

  • Talk to Me Like I’m Someone You Love by Nancy Dreyfus- This is an interesting little book where if you’re having a hard time talking to your partner after an argument, you can leave a page of the book open and it has a message on a bold colored page for them to read like “I can see that I’ve missed the point. Please give me another chance,” “I’m sorry,” or “What you are saying is worth listening to, but I am so totally flooded, I can’t take in one more thing. I wish I could, but I can’t.”

  • Women Who Love Too Much: When You Keep Wishing and Hoping He’ll Change by Robin Norwood

  • Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood

  • The Love Dare by Alex Kenrick *

  • How to Be An Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving by David Richo

Anger:

  • The Dance of Anger- by Harriet Lerner, PhD - Women have been taught to deny and silence their anger or are left feeling helpless and powerless by it. Dr. Lerner teaches both women and men to identify the true sources of anger and to turn their anger into a constructive force for reshaping their lives.

Abuse:

  • When Good Men Behave Badly: Change Your Behavior, Change Your Relationship by David Wexler, PhD

    -This book is written for men who are looking to improve their behavior and relationships, however, it is also valuable for women who want to understand their partners better and support them in making positive changes. IIt offers insights and strategies that can benefit anyone involved in a relationship with a man exhibiting problematic behaviors.

  • You Don’t Have to Take It Anymore: Turn Your Resentful, Angry, or Emotionally Abusive Relationship into a Compassionate, Loving One by Steven Stosny, PhD

    -This is a rare book for both the abuser and the victim. The statistics aren’t good for an abuser to change. If the two are willing, this is a book that will speak to both parties. It’s not common that an abusive person want to change or is truly willing to change, so if you have a party who has been abusive in some way and they are willing to read this book that may mean that there is hope. If they are truly willing to be humble, not making excuses, and doing the hard work that it takes to heal and change that would be a good sign.

  • Love Without Hurt: Turn Your Resentful, Angry, or Emotionally Abusive Relationship into a Compassionate, Loving One by Steven Stosny, PhD - Another one of Stosny’s rare book for both the abuser and the victim (rare in that I haven’t seen a book for both parties before Stosny’s books, probably moreso since the abuser usually does not want to read a book to work on themselves. If you have a partner who has crossed the line but is willing to read a book like this that may be a good sign, but that’s just one small step. It will take a lot of work to heal and make sure it doesn’t happen again. The truth is, the statistics for someone who abused before abusing again are grim. Either way, there’s healing to be done, so this would be a fine choice.

  • The Verbally Abusive Man: Can He Change? A Woman’s Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go by Patricia Evans

    -What I like about this book is it is not only real and practical, hitting home and causing for awareness for someone in an abusive relationship, it also gives a lot of tips on how to handle the abuser. Some of them may be controversial, and as I keep saying, the odds of an abuser changing are next to slim, but if you want help trying to maneuver a relationship such as this, that’s your choice and we would be happy to talk with you and help you while you try to manage this difficult relationship.

    -I also like that the book has a lot of lists like “indications of change,” (watch out here, though, since the probabilities of an abusive person truly changing are very, very low unfortunately), “indications that he hasn’t changed,” “words and phrases that define you; he may tell you what (he thinks) you are, what (he thinks) you need, what (he thinks) you think…,” lists of forms of abuse and violence, and even a list of resources!

  • Mending the Soul by Steven R. Tracy *

    -Many people don’t understand or see covert abuse and when there an understanding that there is abuse, sadly, sometimes “the church” and the Christian community don’t understand how to act or help and they can make things worse. This book is a relief to many Christians who are in an abusive relationship. It can help them to recognize abuse and help them with steps of how to respond.

    It addresses various forms of abuse, including physical, sexual, emotional, and spiritual abuse. The book provides a thorough understanding of the nature of abuse and offers practical steps for healing and recovery.

  • Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft

  • Dangerous Marriage: Breaking the Cycle of Domestic Violence by S.R. McDill & Linda McDill

  • Stop Hurting the Woman You Love: Breaking the Cycle of Abusive Behavior by Charlie Donaldson, Randy Flood, with Elaine Eldridge

  • Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them: Breaking the Cycle of Physical and Emotional Abuse by Paul Hegstrom *

  • How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing: The Emotionally Abusive Relationship by Beverly Engel

Parenting:

  • Bringing up Boys by James Dobson *

  • Parents’ Answer Book by Dr. James Dobson *

  • Parenting Isn’t for Cowards by Dr. James Dobson *

  • The Five Love Languages of Children by Chapman & Campbell *

    -like it’s predecessor, and ever so popular and highly loved and valuable book, The Five Love Languages, how sweet to consider your children’s love languages!

  • The Unmotivated Child by Natalie Rathvon

  • What to Expect the Toddler Years by Eisenberg, Murkoff, and Hathaway

  • 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child by Jeffrey Bernstein, PhD

  • The Explosive Child by Ross Greene, PhD

Grief:

  • A Grace Disguised by Sittser *

  • Where is God When it Hurts? By Philip Yancey *

Other:

  • When the Body Says No by Dr Gabor Mate

    -In this book Dr. Gabor Maté talks about the profound relationship between emotional stress and physical illness. Dr. Maté, a physician with extensive experience in family practice and palliative care, provides compelling evidence and case studies that show how suppressed emotions and chronic stress can manifest as serious health conditions.

    -Our mental health effects our physical health. It is so important to talk and not keep emotions inside otherwise people acquire major illnesses. He talks about how woman in unhappy marriages are 4 xs as likely to die early, especially if they aren’t talking about their problems.

    -Dr Gabor Mate can also be found online on videos which is also an easy way to discover his teachings.

  • The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing by Marie Kondo

    -This is a cool book for anyone who’s wanting to feel better about their home and may be overwhelmed by clutter or a messy home. It’s based on only keeping things that bring a person joy.

  • The Paradox of Choice: Why More is Less by Barry Schwartz

*books recommended for faith-based clients