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Relationships are difficult. At Family Perspectives, LLC, we work with a wide range of relationship issues from couples who get along great, but are missing the spark they once had, to couples struggling with trust issues and having frequent hurtful, raging arguments. We find great pleasure out of helping couples start feeling more fulfilled in their relationships. Here are some tips we put together to help you with some common mistakes we find couples making:
7 Detrimental Mistakes Couples Make and How to Avoid Them
1. Contempt. Some behavior health workers believe that contempt is the most dangerous of all mistakes that can be made in a relationship. What I mean by contempt in this situation is the act of regarding your mate to be inferior to yourself. When one spouse comes across as though they are superior to their mate, there is no room for intimacy. Be aware of any feelings of contempt for your spouse and if you feel your spouse has contempt for you and you feel you aren’t able to work through these issues alone, seeking professional would be recommended. Couples who have contempt as an issue in their relationship often times tend to be on the verge of break-up.
2. Bring up issues at bad times. If your spouse just came home from work, is in the middle of watching a show, or one of you is so angry that speaking calmly is probably not going to happen, it might be a good time to take a step back and ask yourselves and/or spouse when is a good time to talk. Both partners should agree on a good time to have the discussion.
3. Name-calling. This should be obvious, but sometimes couples need reminders. Name-calling brings harm and distance to the relationship. In therapy we try to identify what can help couples break the cycle of bad habits such as name-calling. One example of a good motivational reminder is when preparing to have a sensitive conversation, hold a picture of your child or something that reminds you of a good reason why you need to keep your cool.
4. Arguing in front of the children. Most couples who come into our offices who argue in front of their children feel badly that their children witness their arguments. We talk about different things that can help foster better communication when things get heated such as trying a different means of communication such as phone, emailing, or text messaging or setting up times to talk when the kids are asleep or otherwise occupied.
5. Going in circles without finishing one subject. I see this so often with couples. One person says one hurtful thing, the other defends or/and brings up something the other person did, then the first person defends and/or brings up something the second person did and on and on until many hurtful things have been brought up in an unproductive way as nothing gets resolved. Stick to the subject. Time outs may be practical here or reminders that “we’re getting off the subject-could we please stay on the subject?” Practicing this in counseling sessions with a therapist to help catch these patterns, redirect, and help new patterns and habits to grow can work wonders in a relationship.
6. Bringing up past grievances or hurts. Keep it relevant and stay in the present. There’s a difference between patterns and the past. Something that happened once ten years ago that continues to be brought up may need to be dealt with so that it can be let go. Something that has been happening for the past ten years and still happens today needs to be addressed as a pattern that continues to happen, but it needs to be addressed in a productive way.
7. Only looking at your spouse’s flaws. If each individual in a relationship tries to change their own shortcomings, relationship improvement contentment tends to follow quickly. If one person is not willing to look at themselves it certainly makes things more complicated, but not hopeless. We can discuss your particular situation and what you can do to cause change. Ultimately, apart from the benefits that changing yourself can have on the relationship, it can also positively affect other loved ones around you and your own emotional health. Also, have you ever noticed that when someone does something nice for you, you want to do something for them in return? When one person in the relationship begins to change often times the other follows along naturally.
We hope this will be a helpful start for you. If you would like to have someone help you to start implementing these healthy habits and customize something for your own relationship, please give Matt or Kim a call and at your session feel free to ask for the full list on “Fighting Fair.”