If Your Relationships Aren’t Going Well, Think About This: Are You Being Present?
Have you found yourself moving from relationship to relationship, struggling to settle down? Or perhaps you’ve had a few long-term relationships but feel like you’re picking the wrong partners? Maybe you’ve been in a long-term relationship and realized you haven’t been happy for years. If I asked you to rate your relationship satisfaction, would you score above a 6 or 7? There are many factors that can contribute to feeling like your relationships aren’t going well, but one significant factor that can address many smaller issues is the act of being present. Although it’s just one concept, it can be easier said than done.
After the honeymoon stage fades, partners may no longer feel appreciated or loved, risking slipping into an unintentional relationship with someone else who shows interest. Affairs aren’t usually planned or sought out; they often result from feeling lonely and unappreciated in a relationship. Divorce or separation is another danger of not maintaining a close relationship. For those who are dating, being alone can be a big fear but a reasonable risk for someone who isn’t present.
Whether it’s the distractions of the modern world, including technology, peer pressure, the endless hours we put into our jobs, the high pressure of raising a family, keeping up with our own goals, health issues, or our mental health, it can be hard to stay focused and be present in our relationships. There may be resentments in your relationship, past wounds that seem too difficult to work through, or when it comes to dating, if you’re not getting past the first couple of dates, maybe you are not being open and vulnerable enough to connect with the other person.
Creating a Connection is Key
The reality is, when one or both people are not emotionally invested in the relationship, it will eventually die. It’s possible to have a healthy relationship where two people have different interests, hobbies, views, and values, but there needs to be a connection. What will bring you together if there is no true presence? Research shows that if one person has their phone on the table while a couple is eating, the connection and conversation is a minimum of 30% less meaningful. About 50% of marriages end in divorce. Of the remaining 50%, how many do you think are happy versus lonely and disconnected? Then there are long-term relationships that aren’t counted in these statistics. So, the average American may not be the best example of how to stay connected to their partner. Your partner has the answer. Ask them. If you are dating and haven’t found that special person yet, this applies to you as well.
If you want to have a good partnership, you need to connect. To connect, you need to be vulnerable. You need to be real. You need to be genuine. You need to share and receive. You need to tell your story and be willing to listen to your partner’s story. You need to be open-minded, show care, and reveal your true self, or at least work towards showing parts of your true self. If you are married or in a committed relationship, aim for deep, genuine honesty and vulnerability.
Be Real, Not Perfect
If you are just dating someone, you don’t have to tell them all of your insecurities and struggles, but if you only talk about surface-level topics, you probably won’t go very far because you aren’t allowing much for them to connect to. No one really wants “perfect,” and people tend to appreciate authenticity.It’s just better to show your true self for so many reasons. That’s why many people come to therapy, after all. To be seen and known is such a powerful thing that can prevent depression and other mental and physical illnesses. Not to sound too cliché, but it really is one of the keys to genuine happiness. Surface-level, fake, or perfectionist goals are neither realistic nor truly desirable.
Be Present
All things considered, it is vital to show yourself and show interest in the other person so that a real connection has the opportunity to form. It is also important to take the time to see and hear each other’s stories, find out what is going on with the other person, and what is important to them. Spend time together, be real, and take an interest. As Thich Nhat Hanh says, “The most precious gift we can offer others is our presence. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers.” Humans need that. Be real. Be interested. Be present.
Written by Kim Romen, LCSW September 9, 2024