It’s Not Always 50/50, Especially with a Narcissist Involved

There’s a saying, “It takes two to tango,” implying that both partners in a relationship are equally responsible for any problems. While this may be true in some cases, it’s not true in all. Why question the 50/50 idea of fault in a relationship? Because it can be detrimental to certain people.

Let me give an example that people understand quickly. Do the victims of mass murders have fault? No, they don’t. Even if someone in that situation had any amount of fault, how could killing them compare to whatever the murderer was mad about? Usually, in a mass shooting, the killer didn’t even know most of the people they killed. No, it doesn’t always take two to tango. The victims were purely victims, in the wrong place at the wrong time. These innocent bystanders were simply minding their own business.

That’s a harsh example of how just one person could be at fault, but in my practice, I often deal with people in narcissistic relationships or other very “tricky” relationships where there’s nothing anyone has done to cause the narcissist to blow up or attack in the way they do. Often, there’s nothing anyone can do to help salvage the relationship either because the chances of a narcissist changing are almost nil. Their first love is their ego, which sometimes the innocent bystander steps on unknowingly.

The Reality of Narcissistic Relationships

Consider a relationship with a narcissist. Narcissists are individuals who have an inflated sense of importance, a deep need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. Their relationships are often characterized by manipulation, emotional abuse (sometimes physical abuse), and control. The non-narcissistic partner may find themselves constantly walking on eggshells, trying to avoid triggering their partner’s anger or disdain.

Some research has found that people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) may have a lower ability than others to understand why they think and act the way they do. Since they lack empathy, they are not able to relate to what other people feel or do. They also don’t seem to have room inside themselves to care for others since they are so busy caring about themselves and how people see them, constantly struggling with their feelings of inadequacy.

Narcissists often create a reality where they are always right and the other person is always wrong. Due to abusive tactics such as belittling and gaslighting, the non-narcissistic partner often gets tricked into feeling responsible for the narcissist’s behavior. However, the truth is that the narcissist’s actions are not the result of a mutual dynamic. Instead, they stem from the narcissist’s deep-seated issues and inability to engage in a healthy, reciprocal relationship. Blaming both parties equally in this scenario is not only unfair but also harmful, as it invalidates the experiences of the person who is being manipulated and abused. This could leave them much further from seeing the reality, which is critical to healing. Boosting a narcissist’s ego and blaming the victim does no one a favor. It only keeps the cycle going.

If a person has lived in a relationship where they have been denied their reality, placing the blame where it’s not due keeps an abusive person or narcissist in a position of power. This boosts their already fragile ego, whose prerogative is to be lifted up even at the expense of others, and puts the other person in an unnecessarily vulnerable position. Being in a relationship with a narcissistic person and suffering from the trickery of abuse is a very difficult situation to get out of for many reasons. It usually takes years and many attempts to psychologically be able to release oneself from that kind of relationship. Depending on how long the person was in the relationship, it can take years to heal and for the person to be able to be in their own body and realize their reality out from under the control of a narcissist.

It Takes Two to Make a Relationship but Not to Break One

I do believe that it can take just one person to destroy a relationship, but it takes two people to have a good relationship. One person alone can make many strides in a relationship, but the other has to be willing to put in the work to make it even better. The way it works is that the healthier each person is, the better the relationship will be. This is partially why we encourage people to still come for individual therapy if their partner is not willing. Much can be done with one person, but ultimately it takes two healthy and willing people to have a successful relationship.

Addiction, Untreated Bipolar Disorder, or Selfishness and the Impact on Relationships

It may be that someone struggles with addiction. Addiction can drastically alter a person’s behavior, leading them to prioritize their substance use over their relationship. The partner of someone with an addiction may find themselves in an endless cycle of trying to help or fix the situation, often sacrificing their own needs and well-being in the process. The partner of someone with an addiction often ends up having their role in the relationship which is a symptom of the addiction, as they try to pick up the pieces for the addict. Many of the addict’s behaviors negatively affect the family. They may call out sick for them at work so they don’t lose their job, make excuses for them, or threaten to leave if they don’t quit drinking but never follow through, creating another unhealthy pattern. The partner of someone with an addiction ends up having things they need to work on, but to suggest that both people are equally to blame ignores the reality that addiction is a powerful force that distorts normal relationship dynamics.

Another example is a client who has an untreated severe mental health disorder. Someone in a manic state of bipolar disorder, for example, can wipe out a family’s bank account in an evening, bring STDs into the home, or end up in jail after knocking on people’s windows while hallucinating, thinking they are being helpful to their neighbors. I’m not saying it’s the person’s fault that they have a mental illness, but I’m trying to debunk the idea that each person has equal responsibility for any relationship problems. We are all responsible for our behavior, and when we are in a committed relationship, we are committing to being there through thick and thin. However, there are certain times when one person can only do so much, and there are other times when the “two to tango” mentality can cause more harm than good.

Lastly, there are other situations where one person in a relationship hasn’t grown up yet and isn’t ready for a relationship. They haven’t learned how to be in an adult relationship and perhaps are still acting like a child, not being responsible or considerate, and not wanting to change. Some people are plain selfish and just want to do what they want to do. They may have gotten into a relationship for the wrong reasons, not realizing the responsibilities of a relationship and that yes, “it takes two” to have a good relationship.

FAIR Doesn’t Always Mean EQUAL

Here’s a different kind of example that might help us understand that things aren’t always split equally. In a class of 20 students, there’s one child with learning disabilities. A parent whose child does not have learning disabilities may be upset that their child doesn’t receive the same amount of help. Ultimately, what’s fair is that the child who needs extra help isn’t left behind and gets the support they need. It doesn’t always have to be tit for tat or equal. What’s right and what’s real is what’s important here.

When the “Two to Tango” Mentality Causes Harm

The belief that both people are always equally at fault in an unhealthy relationship can lead to victim-blaming and prevent individuals from seeking the help they need. It can make the person who is suffering feel responsible for the abuse, manipulation, or chaos in the relationship, further entrenching them in a harmful situation. This mentality also discourages others from offering support, as they may mistakenly believe the person in the unhealthy relationship is partly to blame.

It’s critical to recognize that there are situations where one partner is not responsible for the toxicity in the relationship. Whether it’s due to narcissism, addiction, or other forms of abuse, it is important to understand that not all relationship issues are a two-way street and responsibility should be placed correctly.

While relationships generally require effort and compromise from both parties, this isn’t always the case in unhealthy dynamics. The “it takes two to tango” philosophy fails to account for situations where one person is not responsible for the dysfunction. By acknowledging this, we can better support those in unhealthy relationships and encourage them to seek help without the burden of misplaced guilt.

Written by Kim Romen, LCSW September 12, 2024