How to Deal with an Angry Wife
Your wife is angry at you and you have no idea why. If you are like most men, your spouse’s angry mood sparks feelings of tenseness, nervousness, irritation, confusion, and, importantly, often shame. If what you have been doing in response to your wife’s anger is not working, it is time to respond differently. Typically, if approached with sincerity and a caring, humble heart, by a spouse who truly listens, a woman will respond positively.
In my practice, I find that men often have difficulty catching on to the 'just listen and empathize' part. However, when they finally give up the idea of fixing the problem and learn to meet their wives where they are, they find great success, and both spouses' levels of marital satisfaction increase significantly. Reminds me of that saying, “When mama’s not happy, no one’s happy.”
Most women walking in my door who are angry at someone other than their husband say they desperately need their husband to listen to them, understand them, and support them. They do not say they need their husband to take charge of their situation or give them advice (unless they ask for it). What she wants is for you to look at her while she is speaking, stay focused, nod occasionally, use facial expressions that match the mood of what she is talking about, and encourage her to continue with small verbal comments like “yes” and “uh-huh.” She wants to know you are paying attention. Allow her to finish talking, don’t interrupt, ask questions to clarify points like "Is this what you mean?" and summarize what you think you’re hearing. "Let me see if I’m understanding. Sounds like you are saying is…" is a great way for her to know you are listening and trying to understand. If you listen and try to understand, she interprets this as you care. It feels good to her to get whatever is bothering her off of her chest and to feel heard.
What about when your wife is angry with you?
Each woman is different and each relationship has its history and struggles. When there has been broken trust, abuse, repeated hurtful acts, or if your attempts make it more messy and doesn’t seem to work, asking your wife at a later time what she needs from you when she is angry can be very beneficial.
When she is angry with you, first, remind yourself that anger is a secondary feeling. Underneath anger, there is always a softer, more vulnerable emotion, such as fear, inadequacy, insecurity, rejection, or sadness. This will help you have empathy for her and help you be aware of your own primary emotions if you are starting to get angry. It may also be helpful to know that if your wife is angry at you, that means that you are of great significance to her. She does not want to fight. She wants to talk the problem out, come to a resolution, and feel connected to you again.
Tell your wife that you sense that she may be upset and that you would like to talk about it when she is ready. Make sure you have an agreed-upon time to talk where there are as few distractions as possible (the kids are in bed or doing a project in another room, the television is not on, cell phones are put aside or shut off…) and you are both not hungry or tired. Stay calm. You want her to feel loved and as if you care about what’s bothering her. Practice the active listening skills as mentioned above. Do not get defensive or explain your side until you first show her that you are truly trying to hear where she is coming from. You don’t have to agree with what she is saying or even understand. The effort that you show by trying to understand is what matters. That will show her you care.
After your wife feels validated and heard, you can ask if she would like to hear your thoughts or an explanation of why you did what you did. So many times there are misunderstandings or different ways of doing things that lead to disconnect in a relationship. If we talk and truly listen, try to understand our partner, respect differences, and show love in the way the other person needs to feel loved, so many couples could be happier.
Most of us are not taught how to communicate and listen, especially when we or our loved ones are angry. We can have old unhealed feelings come up, feel blamed, or get defensive. Couples can teach each other what they need in communication, but oftentimes they need to learn to identify what they need first. If you have tried these techniques and are still getting stuck, feel free to give us a call. Oftentimes it takes a little digging to realize what’s going on below the miscommunication and a couple’s therapist can help with that in addition to providing customized tools for your situation that can change the direction of your relationship and benefit you for years to come.
Written by Kim Romen, LCSW August 26, 2024