Is it Okay to bring up the past in arguments?
I often hear complaints about bringing up the past.
Arguments can be challenging in any relationship, but they can become even more contentious when the past is brought up. I am always sensitive to both parties: the one who has to hear about the past (“here we go again”) and the person who feels it is unresolved, either within themselves or in the relationship. There is often a sigh of relief when I explain to clients some of the ins and outs of bringing up the past, and that mainly, the goal is to:
Resolve it
Let it go
Although some people think their partner brings up the past to start a fight or “punish” them, I find that most often, the person bringing up the topic does not want to be upset about it and does not want discord with their partner. They want a resolution. After all, if they didn’t care for their partner, they might not be so upset about it in the first place, and even more, they wouldn’t continue to care about it for so much time. If they didn’t care, they would be even less likely to spend time trying to talk about it or even less, in counseling, or reading this blog. The fact that there is an attempt to discuss it usually means they want to heal.
In this blog, we’ll explore common triggers for arguments that I discuss with my clients and emphasize the importance of addressing the past separately and effectively. Additionally, we will discuss the importance of keeping in mind the intention of the conversation and identifying the right time and way to talk about sensitive subjects to encourage both of you to stay on topic.
The main reasons the past continues to get brought up
One of the main reasons the past continues to get brought up is that they haven’t felt heard or cared for in the situation, or they worry the situation will happen again. Sometimes they are looking for reassurance, and if you can give that to them, that’s great! Even though it may not feel like it, it truly is great news that they are seeking reassurance from you!
There comes a time when, if the couple has worked together to heal from the past and the person who was upset can say their partner has responded satisfactorily, it may become more of an individual issue for them to work on.
There are several things to keep in mind when it comes to communicating about past issues. Among these are the way concerns are communicated and the intention behind bringing up the past. Besides intentions, the way it’s communicated and the timing are also important for a healthy conversation.
One thing to keep in mind is that there is a difference between patterns and the past. Something that happened once ten years ago that continues to be brought up may need to be dealt with so that it can be let go. Maybe a “proper” apology was never given. Maybe there was an apology, but the heart wasn’t behind it. I like to give the example of someone throwing a beautifully wrapped gift at someone with a snarky, “Here’s your gift.”
One of the biggest things I hope for my couples is that they will be able to have and show a loving, caring demeanor. It can be hard in moments of upset, but in the end, if it is apparent to your partner that you care and are trying, that’s usually what’s most important. So, if something happened ten years ago and there was never a genuine conversation about it and one person wants to discuss it, it’s likely worth discussing. If you haven’t been successful at working through things together, it may be helpful to work through it with a therapist, preferably as a couple. However, if your partner is not willing to go, you may still make significant strides by going alone to gain insights and tips.
The other reason why the past continues to be brought up is because it has happened more than once. This is important as the person who it’s happened to sees it as a pattern, which statistically increases the chances it could happen again. It’s logical that your partner would be more unsettled, especially if there was already an apology and assurance that it wouldn’t happen again, but it did.
It can be really difficult to be reminded of and talk about something that we did that we aren’t proud of, to be reminded of something that we already feel ashamed of, to see how we hurt our partner, or maybe we disagree that we did something wrong and haven’t seen eye to eye on it. However, discussing an old offense needs to be productive.
The Trigger for the Argument and Staying on Topic
Let’s say you find out that your spouse overspent outside of your agreed-upon budget. You are furious as this has happened many times before. You start recalling different things that frustrate you about your spouse, including not helping out in the house and coming home late. The overspending today triggered all kinds of unrelated issues that have been building up. In reality, your feelings may be intensified by unconscious memories of your parents fighting about money in the past or something that has nothing to do with your spouse.
In this example, it is important to focus on one issue at a time as they are not related. For some people, it’s helpful to write down the topics at hand so that they know they will be dealt with, but it’s more productive to deal with one at a time. If the spending is the highest priority or what needs to be discussed first, start with that and wait to talk about the other issues until you have completed your conversation about the spending, at least to a place that is satisfactory to you both. Since the overspending continues to happen, it’s not just “the past,” it’s a pattern. It happened in the past and continues to happen, which is why someone might bring up examples of spending in the past. They do that to show a pattern. A pattern is something that is likely to keep happening, so, logically, it would be worrisome that it would continue, and it can be helpful to discuss the pattern at a time when both parties are willing to discuss it.
Here’s what you could say instead:
Dealing with the problem as a whole should suffice, but if your partner says that you are just bringing up the past, that is one example of when it may be important to bring up examples so they can see the pattern. Be careful when doing so, though, so they don’t feel bombarded and attacked. For example, instead of saying:
👎🏽 “This is just like…”
👎🏽 “Remember last time you…”
👎🏽 “Why do you do this?!”
Try:
👍🏽 “It seems like this is a pattern.”
👍🏽 “I don’t feel like you know how much this upsets me because it keeps coming up.”
How to talk with your partner in a way that increases the probability of success in the conversation will be discussed in another post. For now, the most important thing to keep in mind is your intention behind what you are saying and how you are communicating your frustrations with your spouse.
Timing for Tough Conversations is Key
When an argument starts, it is important to keep the conversation relevant and stay on topic. Make sure to bring up sensitive topics when your spouse agrees it’s a good time to talk. Moments like these are when you are both well-rested and not overly stressed or worked up. It can be helpful to start the conversation with a soft tone that sets the stage, such as, “I have something I want to talk with you about and don’t want to argue or point fingers. I hope we can work as a team and come to a resolution together.”
You have more than likely heard the phrase, “forgive and forget.” Forgiveness is key to a healthy relationship and benefits the person being forgiven, but it especially benefits the forgiver, as when we forgive, we let a lot of weight off our shoulders. Although it is healthy to forgive, it is wise not to forget the past. Just as we look at history to learn from, it can be helpful to keep the past in mind so that we can prevent or stop bad situations from reoccurring. Good communication is essential for a happy relationship.
Ultimately, communication is key to resolving conflicts, and the ability to stay on topic will enable you to resolve arguments effectively. In addition to that, it is important to determine the difference between patterns and one-time events and to address these separately at designated times. Seeking counseling when needed is also a proactive way to come to a resolution together. For couples, the journey to resolving arguments is a skill that can lead to a happy future. By following these key points, couples can avoid bringing up the past in arguments and pave the way for better communication.
Written by Kim Romen, LCSW October 26, 2023