Healing from an Affair: How Your Relationship Can Be Better Than Before
I’ve heard from clients more than a couple of times that, while they wouldn’t wish an affair on anyone, they ended up feeling grateful for the experience. The affair pushed them to a place where they were ready to do the hard work and learn about themselves and their partner in a deeper way than they ever would have otherwise. For those who truly come out the other end having done the work, they are stronger, more connected, and often more sure of their relationship than ever before.
I’m not saying that everyone leaves therapy feeling like they have a stronger bond than before and that trust is fully healed, but many of my clients do reach that point. Since they got to the root of the cause, they now have boundaries in place that make the chances of another affair much less likely. They are more in tune, in contact, and able to talk about things on a different level, making it likely that this would never happen again.
I remember one couple who came to therapy after having seen a different therapist years prior for another affair. This particular couple truly did the hard work, and in the end, the woman said her partner was different this time. What he was saying seemed more genuine and real. His demeanor, openness, willingness to change, and effort to take responsibility for his actions were evident. He humbled himself in a way that showed a different level of understanding and care for his wife, rather than focusing on himself or the other woman or what else might be at stake.
Infidelity can shake the foundation of a relationship and cause immense turmoil and pain for both parties. The impact often extends beyond the couple, affecting family members, and causing job loss, and financial burdens. It ends up touching many areas that were never anticipated. Here are some tips on how to begin working through this devastation to rebuild trust.
One of the first things we discuss in therapy is what is normal or typical. It is normal for most people to want to know details about what happened, why, how, who, and where. It is also normal for people to sometimes want vengeance, like telling the lover’s significant other if they had one. It is normal for the person who committed infidelity to experience a lot of shame and confusion and often have a hard time with the questioning from their spouse, leading to frustration and responses that may not facilitate healing. Remember that there will be a lot of ups and downs through this process, and that is normal. The more intentional you are through this process, the less chaotic it needs to be, and the faster healing can take place.
Usually, by the time people come to my office, they have spent several hours talking in circles, with the offended party asking many questions and trying to piece together what happened. They want to know if they have all the information and if it makes sense, seeking a valid reason for why and how it happened so they can find a solution to prevent it from happening again. I tell them that the person who was betrayed can ask whatever they want, but they should be careful about what they ask because they might never be able to remove the images they create in their head. I suggest to the person who had the affair that it is okay to remind their partner that it might not be helpful for them to hear everything, although they are willing to share. They should express their concern for their partner’s healing and well-being. If the person who was betrayed still wants to know the details, then they should share what is asked. This helps the betrayed partner make sense of the situation and move forward.
Be patient and kind to yourself and your partner. In sessions, I often help redirect attention and facilitate communication while teaching and reminding them why they are experiencing certain feelings and where they should refocus their attention. This guidance is crucial, as most people have never dealt with an affair before and need support. It’s not something we are taught to handle before it happens.
Remember that each person and each couple is different. The boundaries that need to be put in place will vary, and each scenario is unique in many ways. The process and the amount of time needed to heal also vary among individuals.
If both people are doing everything possible to get through the affair and one person is still very stuck, that is when the focus might shift to what they need to do to forgive and move forward.
The couples who do the best are willing to take a hard, sincere look at what both partners could have done differently and work together rather than just pointing fingers and staying angry
Healing from an affair is undoubtedly one of the most challenging experiences a couple can face. It shakes the foundation of trust and brings immense pain, but it also offers an opportunity for growth and deeper connection. By addressing the past separately and effectively, focusing on clear and compassionate communication, and being mindful of timing, couples can navigate this difficult journey together.
Remember, the process of healing is unique to each couple. It requires patience, understanding, and a willingness to work through the pain together. Seeking professional guidance can provide the necessary support and tools to rebuild trust and strengthen the relationship.
Ultimately, the couples who emerge stronger are those who look inward, take responsibility, and commit to working as a team. With dedication and a soft heart, it is possible to not only heal but also to create a relationship that is more resilient and connected than ever before.
Written by Kim Romen, LCSW November 14, 2024