Is it normal fighting, or is this abuse?

Couples will have disagreements from time to time. It's a normal part of being in a relationship. Could it be possible that two people think the same way about everything? Statistically, that would be a very slim chance.  

What are some signs that the arguing is crossing the line into abuse?  Here is a list of examples.:

1. Your partner tells you that your needs are unimportant or do they act in ways that indicate this is how they feel?

2. Your partner criticizes you.

3. They frequently denigrate or deny your point of view.

4. Are both partners making decisions, working together, planning together or so many things that could be in place of this?

5. Do you feel you can never do anything right or that their expectations constantly change?

6. They subtly imply you don't remember things as clearly as they do.

7. They seem entitled and selfish, but it’s hard to figure out in what way.  It’s unclear how because they seem to say all the right things.

8. Meaningful days or activities get sabotaged by your partner’s moods.

9. Can your partner accept blame when they do something wrong or do they blame you or others instead?

10. Does your partner do something to hurt you, then when you bring it up, you wonder how you leave feeling even worse because they make it about you and rarely take ownership of their faults?

11. Do you walk away from disagreements, often taking the blame, feeling bad about yourself and feeling as though you need to work harder, feeling confused and lost in the situation?

12. Does your significant other help you with the groceries, make you coffee in the morning, and work hard to support the family but fight with you when you are sick or need something from them?

13. Have you started to notice that they are the one who is doing what they are accusing you of?  

14. Do they say you are crazy, too sensitive, too needy, or controlling, but really, they are the one who is hypersensitive and controlling?

15. Do you sweep things under the rug in order to keep the peace?

16. They do not seem to have the ability to empathize.

17. Is your significant other understanding your needs and desirous to help you?

 18. Your spouse keeps the finances from you, so you are unaware of the household's financial situation. 

19. Do you feel like you lost yourself because it seems like the relationship is about your partner's life, and you are supposed to be there to support them?

20. Does your significant other use too much alcohol, drugs, or gambling, and you have often wondered if it was in excess?

Still not sure?  Maybe this is all you’ve known and this is how it was when you grew up.  Maybe it’s too painful or scary to see. Maybe none of this has happened for a couple of months and it all feels good for now.  Let’s flip it and look at some examples of what a healthy relationship is like:

1. You feel seen and heard, or at least feel that your partner trying to understand you.

2. You feel comfortable or at least safe discussing your thoughts, feelings, and concerns with each other.

3. You rely on your partner.

4. Your partner understands your limits and avoids behaviors that makes you uncomfortable.

5. Physical and emotional intimacy are present and consensual.

6. Both partners value each other as equals.

7. Partners work together to find solutions and compromise when conflict arises.

8. Decision-making is a shared responsibility, and both partners have an equal say in important matters.

9. You enjoy each other's company. 

10. You support each other's goals. 

Remember that every relationship is unique and occasional challenges are expected. However, suppose a relationship consistently lacks these signs of health and becomes emotionally or physically harmful. In that case, it may be necessary to seek professional help.  It is also important to realize that abuse will usually get worse in time.  Verbal and emotional abuse is dangerous enough, but it is important to know that it can turn into physical abuse.  It’s rare for physical violence to be the first form of abuse that starts.  Think about it.  It’s the great qualities that get us to want to be with the other person.  In fact, sometimes the qualities seem so much more grand than other relationships we’ve been in. Otherwise we would have never been with the abuser.  Once they realize there is an attachment, the abuse starts and increases with time.  Abuse usually shows itself a little later.  It sort of sneaks up on us.    

If you are seeing some of the signs of abuse listed here and you worry that couples counseling may make things worse, give us a call and we can discuss if it may be better to start with individual therapy so that you can speak freely and make wise choices.  We won’t ever tell you to leave your partner as that is a very personal decision but we can talk with you about statistics, educate you, and help you make sense of what is happening and we can talk with you about how to stay safe.  If there is abuse, there is a bit of “undoing” that needs to happen. Sometimes we work in teams while one therapist will see one of the partners and the other sees the other, or one therapist sees the individuals while the other sees the couple.  Our team approaches offer options.  Don't hesitate to reach out to us with questions or to see if we are a good fit for you and your situation. Your mental health, physical health and your relationship's well-being is our priority, and we're here to assist you every step of the way!

 Written by Kim Romen, LCSW May 28, 2019